The Vow: Bigger & Stronger

I've been doing a lot of intrapersonal evaluation as of late. Always thinking of ways to improve myself; amidst my relationships w/ Christ and everyone else that I come into contact with. And one of the things that always comes to my mind is taking a more proactive stance in sharing the opinions, standards, and experiences that have come to develop me as an individual throughout the years. It's been my challenge to realize that just because I choose not to share some of the more intimate details of my life, it doesn't mean I am being a humble individual. I believe God gives us gifts so that others might benefit from them. So although it brings great anxiety to try and write this personal piece, I suppose it's my opportunity to gain some practice and growth...

If there is one aspect of my life that is the greatest blessing God has relayed to me -- and yet the most immense source of frustration in my life thus far -- it is what I affectionately like to call our contemporary nazirite vow. Usually, nazirite vows encompass alcohol abstinence, refraining from cutting one's hair, and more in the hopes of dedicated ones pursuits more towards God. In the case of the ascetic agreement between myself and God, I've chosen to honor His Will by... choosing a more restrictive approach to dating and companionship. {deep exhale}

After letting a precious gift from my mother gather dust upon the book shelf for several years prior, at the age of 17, I decided to finally pick-up and read the book entitled "I Kissed Dating Goodbye". Now, while the book might be for those coming out of bad relationships and experiences who were looking for alternative methods, I was turning to its pages searching for an alternative to fear. I could go on for quite a bit on the different things that played a part in my depression and insecurities at the time, but for the moment, the most important thing to know is that I was tired of being the allegorical "last pick" in not only the dating game, but in life as well. My hopes of discarding pent-up self-doubt and frustration soon were transformed into insight and confidence... but not in the way I had originally planned. I started out wanting someone or something to to tell me I was dateable; instead God told me I was more.

He told me there was far much more than worrying about camaraderie with the opposite sex. So, just like the main lesson in the book, I decided to give it up. To swear-off the dating game until I was established monetarily, mentally, and most importantly spiritually. At the time it was perfect. I was in a "you can't miss what you've never had scenario". I was, (and to this very day), a nerd who's still at-bat. Whether having the experience of a first kiss or chasing a lioness cub while Elton John sings "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" in the background, it's all unfamiliar to me. And it's because of this fact -- plus the patience and wisdom that only the Lord could provide -- that I've experienced a true miracle in the amount of development God has bestowed upon my life... But low and behold, if life was supposed to be easy, why would He have asked us to carry a Cross?!

There's a funny thing that happens you spend a lot of time with God... you start to track some of His ambiance and presence. People start to notice as you walk around, and it grows and grows. And unfortunately, a lot of times the devil begins to pick-up on the scent as well. It's these factors have lead to my recent trials and dismay: The praises and appreciation of your peers misguiding your previous trend, and the temptations of the deceiver alluring the request of the flesh. It's so hard not to get caught up in the different emotions involved when pursuing fellowship with our female counterparts. So hard to protect the subtle boundary between pursuits that are platonic, and those that are romantic. Not only do I have to guard my heart, but its my responsibility to guard the hearts of those around me.

Well, that was quite therapeutic in its own right. I suppose the most important thing for me to realize is that no matter how difficult this lifestyle is, the benefits far outweigh the negatives.