I am... Special

After one of my many anticipated and therapeutic exchanges with my mama this evening, a certain topic came up as we went about our usual speaking promenade. So it wasn't an unfamiliar idea, in fact it was one that she likes to bring up whenever we are analyzing the different facets of women, marriage, family, and everything in between. It was this crazy notion that I was "special"

Many of my peeps don't know that I am a very cerebral person. I love to research abstract theories and systems in order to form my own systematic philosophies and strategies for life. In all honesty, information itself would probably be my ideal spouse. I love paying attention to how this crazy world we live in works. It's this "intuitive aptitude" that has led me to develop into the "me" I am today. It's this rare look at life that has helped me discover things that some adults haven't figured out yet. But it's not common for me to downplay the knowledge; to just keep my thoughts to myself instead of making my own perceptions known.

One way I've been reflecting on this idea is how it applies to mainstream celebs. It'd be to difficult a task for me to list all the different athletes, actors, and philosophers that I consider close to demi-god status. The real assignment is answering the question, "do they see themselves the same way?" Many times its no. But for those people who are able to bask in the limelight, those who choose to be bold enough to openly praise their own ingenuity, why is it that we "common" people don't feel worthy to do the same?

I hate to stop at this moment, -- mainly because I am part "Mastermind" (INTJ) within the Keirsey Temp Theory. Therefore this entry wouldn't qualify as a "completed product" under my own mentality -- but I realize that in order to completely accept the idea of one day feeling comfortable and self-conscious about my distinctive views, it's best to let my actions do the talking... Or in this case, my subsequent posts.

We Don't Have To Be Over 21

Here I am. Sitting alone in my room, listening to music. Lights are dimmed, just the sound of thoughts, and beautifully resonating instruments and voices. An introverts paradise.

Here I am. Thinking of those who I have learned to love. Those who've learned to love me. And most importantly... thinking of those who carry a part of my heart, and may never know. Both men and woman, simply being who God created them to be, and providing me with insight and knowledge that they may never understand. Here I am. Being too human to confess simple and appropriate adoration for fear of how my relationships may be affected. Of how my feelings may somehow be misconstrued into lust, or infatuation, or ignorance. Yet here I am, pursuing a way inspite of the fear.

Here I am. Thinking of those who've perished. The Legacies we all carry; those passed to us from those that we've loved... those that we knew. While Uncle Marc never made it to 19, I've grown that old and now head for much more. Shouldering his spirit amongst my own. The words of a man I never knew, guiding my steps along the many others.

Here I am. Waiting and thinking. Cherishing the Day. Cherishing the Year. Cherishing a life... my life. My friends. My family. "There is a stone in my heart"

Here I am. Waiting to be 21...

The Vow: Bigger & Stronger

I've been doing a lot of intrapersonal evaluation as of late. Always thinking of ways to improve myself; amidst my relationships w/ Christ and everyone else that I come into contact with. And one of the things that always comes to my mind is taking a more proactive stance in sharing the opinions, standards, and experiences that have come to develop me as an individual throughout the years. It's been my challenge to realize that just because I choose not to share some of the more intimate details of my life, it doesn't mean I am being a humble individual. I believe God gives us gifts so that others might benefit from them. So although it brings great anxiety to try and write this personal piece, I suppose it's my opportunity to gain some practice and growth...

If there is one aspect of my life that is the greatest blessing God has relayed to me -- and yet the most immense source of frustration in my life thus far -- it is what I affectionately like to call our contemporary nazirite vow. Usually, nazirite vows encompass alcohol abstinence, refraining from cutting one's hair, and more in the hopes of dedicated ones pursuits more towards God. In the case of the ascetic agreement between myself and God, I've chosen to honor His Will by... choosing a more restrictive approach to dating and companionship. {deep exhale}

After letting a precious gift from my mother gather dust upon the book shelf for several years prior, at the age of 17, I decided to finally pick-up and read the book entitled "I Kissed Dating Goodbye". Now, while the book might be for those coming out of bad relationships and experiences who were looking for alternative methods, I was turning to its pages searching for an alternative to fear. I could go on for quite a bit on the different things that played a part in my depression and insecurities at the time, but for the moment, the most important thing to know is that I was tired of being the allegorical "last pick" in not only the dating game, but in life as well. My hopes of discarding pent-up self-doubt and frustration soon were transformed into insight and confidence... but not in the way I had originally planned. I started out wanting someone or something to to tell me I was dateable; instead God told me I was more.

He told me there was far much more than worrying about camaraderie with the opposite sex. So, just like the main lesson in the book, I decided to give it up. To swear-off the dating game until I was established monetarily, mentally, and most importantly spiritually. At the time it was perfect. I was in a "you can't miss what you've never had scenario". I was, (and to this very day), a nerd who's still at-bat. Whether having the experience of a first kiss or chasing a lioness cub while Elton John sings "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" in the background, it's all unfamiliar to me. And it's because of this fact -- plus the patience and wisdom that only the Lord could provide -- that I've experienced a true miracle in the amount of development God has bestowed upon my life... But low and behold, if life was supposed to be easy, why would He have asked us to carry a Cross?!

There's a funny thing that happens you spend a lot of time with God... you start to track some of His ambiance and presence. People start to notice as you walk around, and it grows and grows. And unfortunately, a lot of times the devil begins to pick-up on the scent as well. It's these factors have lead to my recent trials and dismay: The praises and appreciation of your peers misguiding your previous trend, and the temptations of the deceiver alluring the request of the flesh. It's so hard not to get caught up in the different emotions involved when pursuing fellowship with our female counterparts. So hard to protect the subtle boundary between pursuits that are platonic, and those that are romantic. Not only do I have to guard my heart, but its my responsibility to guard the hearts of those around me.

Well, that was quite therapeutic in its own right. I suppose the most important thing for me to realize is that no matter how difficult this lifestyle is, the benefits far outweigh the negatives.

Duality: Feel It All Around

Wow it has been forever since I've posted. This one is unfortunately going to be short, because there is someone else who can speak better to what I've been contemplating over the past several months. I apologize in advance for any words that may be disturbing, but the Truth ain't no cookie cutter =)

The Golden Rule

Well... I must say that this whole Ground Zero Mosque situation has gotten to me a bit. I very rarely get too involved in the news, but I can't help but hearing about the direction this conflict is taking, (especially since my Pop has been watching News Channels for a little over a year now). I must say that my opinion on the matter is that while many Americans intentions are good, the handling of declining the construction of the mosque is pretty lurid.

People are physically and verbally assaulting Muslim Americans, (key word AMERICANS), as ignorant attempts to battle the idea of building near New York's Ground Zero. And while I'm well aware that not everyone is committing hate crimes around the nation, the overall attitude that many are treating this situation with is quite inflexible. It's always been part of my philosophy that presentation is key in this word. If I offered a stranger a greasy brown paper bag, which unbeknownst to them contained the cure to cancer, they'd likely be inclined to throw away my offering without even opening it. And if I offered someone parachute pants inside of a brilliantly wrapped box without them knowing the contents, their mind would probably be totally stoked on the idea of receiving an amazing present.

Truth be told, a lot of this conflict sounds like unmindful racism and prejudice to me. I came across a quote today while waiting in the Counseling Office at school. It read, "be kinder than necessary. For everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle." Many Christians, as well as American citizens, have forgotten to practice respect and tolerance in this ordeal. Let us not forget that Christianity has had its own radical followers in the past -- does the Crusades and the Spanish Inquisition ring a bell -- so I hope that some time soon everyone will take a 2nd look at how they're viewing this Ground Zero Mosque situation. Myself included.

Eternal Rest for Father Time

Well it turns out that 8 days after posting of my grandparents decline, my words have sort of come to fruition. My grandfather passed away this Wednesday, and now a time of grievance will begin in the family household.

Like I may have mentioned earlier, I didn't really see or know my grandparents all that well leading up my time taking care of them. Like any other human walking this earth, they have there issues. But through intrapersonal and interpersonal exploration, I've gained much insight and knowledge thanks to our time together.

My mother always likes to say, "only the good things." It's a phrase that pertains to observing the attitudes of our loved ones that are both admirable and faulty, and choosing to do "only the good things." So I'm glad to have learned only the good things from my mother's father, and will always be grateful of the gifts and interests he imparted to me

One I Love

First of all I'd like to send a Happy Birthday in my good friend Ben's direction. You and a few other guys are the inspiration for this post, so even though i started on it a few days back, I decided today would be the best day to unveil my latest thoughts. You're like a brother to me Benneth... although if I say that aloud, it means my chances with Sara are null and void. ;)

There are a lot of beautiful ladies in my life. And I mean BEAUTIFUL ladies! Beauty is something that's not one dimensional -- heck it's not two dimensional or three dimensional -- it's transcendental and an easily under/over evaluated concept among any culture. But from being the type of person that has loved to observe and contemplate the world surrounding me ever since I was born, I've come to see that elegance comes in so many varying forms... and people.

I've met girls that love fashion, girls that love singing, girls that love acting, girls that love music, girls that love video games, girls that love guys (as friends), girls that love girls (no homo), girls that love the new, girls that love the old, girls that love wisdom, girls that love life, and most importantly... girls that love Christ!!

But I'm not here to concentrate on the women God has blessed me in meeting; for this post is for all the fellas. What has truly astonished and enriched the life I have been able to live, (especially as of the last couple years), is the amount of guys that have put me near cloud nine (no homo). Its been gentlemen like the stud listed above (no homo), that have given me a glimpse into the love that surrounded my savior Jesus as He walked this earth. Jesus surrounded himself with sailors like Peter and Andrew, -- and i'm sure many of them loved to use the expletives -- a guy who worked for "the Man" (Matthew the tax-collector), and even a man that was considered crazy and a social outcast (John the Baptist). Such a vast array of differing attitudes coming together to act as a spiritual foundation for Christ and His ministry.

The common, modern-day sensibility that guys can't be or aren't emotionally expressive beings is totally mistaken. It's the choice to neglect what the World says that has allowed me to act upon my heart and form strong bonds with some of the men that enter it; men that have saved my life. It's difficult to believe the afflictions that I once shared with my counselor at a summer camp only two years prior, have largely been conquered through the graces of God. And by way of the men He's placed further into my life since then. Growing up I've been the type who, to the day, gets excessive anxiety issues around the women. So its inspiring to see how God has worked with my weaknesses and created strength in the most unique way. So ladies of my life, while you may look a hundred times better than the guys, -- no offense fellas -- its the men who end up with the award for "Best Performer in a Supporting Role". Much like the Apostle John was to Christ, these guys are "The One[s] that [I] Love", (no homo).

P.S. Forgive me for using the phrase "no homo" throughout the post. It's a somewhat bittersweet phrase because it clears up your intentions, but I feel its a little bit ignorant and intolerant. Sorry if it annoys anyone; it was the "easy" way out. Believe me when I say I'm no homophobe, so the words hit a spot.

P.S.S. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEN!!!!!